The remote, the zapper, the controller what have you, here's a good few reasons why next to the dog it should be man's best friend:
An object chucked in frustration whether it's at something or someone, beats a dagger.
Preserving energy from walking to the television could be used to walk to the fridge for a healthy snack, with the snacks eaten and more to be bought advertising could be affordable to the healthy businesses making the healthier option more noticeable and maybe even reducing this country's weight problem.
Some times it creates it's own entertainment on a Saturday night, in that when you can't find it, a game the whole family can play and avoiding the world-wide frustration of the jigsaw and "Family friendly" board games.
With the price of batteries so high you are also very often helping the economy, helping businesses across the country with more jobs, so you would be giving your younger loved ones more job opportunities
It increases your accuracy levels by the television not reacting to a mis-shot
With television licensing you are giving money to the government who spread that out to create more Schools and Hospitals, so with you clicking that remote you're contributing to saving lives my friend, well done, pat yourself on the back, go on, you deserve it.
Friday, 11 November 2011
Sunday, 25 September 2011
How losing Carol Vorderman could cause uncontrollable truths (well versions of the truth)
Coming across news of carol maybe getting kicked out the whining group of loose women got me thinking:
Getting chucked off loose women show, would cause massive embarrassment to the ex count-down star. Being disowned by the panel from hell, no other television show or any other form of media would want anything to do with her, Kerry Katona would get more publicity! Now even that would resort someone of any stature in act to suicide.
Without Carol Vorderman mathematics would remain the confusing, neglected subject. Sudoku on the DS would go into the attic of no return and most importantly mathematical plots and theories would be forgotten too. The Mayan prediction of 2012 would be ignored and instead of jumping on the Scientology ban wagon we would all stay put and die.
... Don't believe in the 2012 mumbo jumbo?
But what would the lonely middle-aged men do without Carol on the television, mid-life crises would be at an all time high; Lamborghinis and Ferraris would be sold far and wide, soon Italian car manufacturers won't be able to handle it, car competition would be fierce and big Italian players in the car business would crumble to the German market, This would push the already financial struggling Italians over the edge and soon will be charging ridiculous taxes on pizza! Students across the world would starve (baked beans would suck after a while) war would errupt on Italy, in cross fire the Pope may take a blow. After news of this, religoun would get involved and then masses would surround the nukes and the world would be blown into pieces.
So don't get rid of Carol
Getting chucked off loose women show, would cause massive embarrassment to the ex count-down star. Being disowned by the panel from hell, no other television show or any other form of media would want anything to do with her, Kerry Katona would get more publicity! Now even that would resort someone of any stature in act to suicide.
Without Carol Vorderman mathematics would remain the confusing, neglected subject. Sudoku on the DS would go into the attic of no return and most importantly mathematical plots and theories would be forgotten too. The Mayan prediction of 2012 would be ignored and instead of jumping on the Scientology ban wagon we would all stay put and die.
... Don't believe in the 2012 mumbo jumbo?
But what would the lonely middle-aged men do without Carol on the television, mid-life crises would be at an all time high; Lamborghinis and Ferraris would be sold far and wide, soon Italian car manufacturers won't be able to handle it, car competition would be fierce and big Italian players in the car business would crumble to the German market, This would push the already financial struggling Italians over the edge and soon will be charging ridiculous taxes on pizza! Students across the world would starve (baked beans would suck after a while) war would errupt on Italy, in cross fire the Pope may take a blow. After news of this, religoun would get involved and then masses would surround the nukes and the world would be blown into pieces.
So don't get rid of Carol
Monday, 19 September 2011
last night's pizza
Okay so you get home after a late shift (pub) say about half 11?
There's left over carry out pizza, what does this mean?!
Well destination is important:
. If it's in the bin you're trouble, to put left over pizza in the bin should be a crime, it may not be a legal crime but in relationship terms it means she's not happy with you and there's going to be a fight
. If it's in the fridge she was thinking about you, but this could just be to make you feel guilty, so if you notice little comments like "I've missed you" or "I never see you" you know she's clocking onto you, maybe even phoned work?
. If it's on the kitchen work top she doesn't care, maybe she's just fed up or maybe she's just had fun with her friends and forgotten about her hard-working drinker.
Now the friends part, who ate the pizza?
. Now if the left-over slices are distinctively larger than usual she has either had a lot of friends round, maybe even some of your own. Now getting to know some of your friends might get them to talk about you, so try and organise a topical silence. Leaving them with the weather, current affairs and possible tasty recipes (done and tested folks). Either all that or Big Bertha was round, in that case check the yoghurts
Flavours
. If it's pepperoni there's nothing to worry about
. But if it's Margarita pizza it was for a group, as that's the easy card, universal flavour. You either missed out on a party (or possible interrogation) or a get-together with big Bertha, so either somewhere you wanted to be at(and witness) or the great escape.
. If it's mushroom or olives (if you've ordered pizza before and had to order this) you should know who was there, get on the phone and find out what's been going on.
... talking to her isn't an option, do you really want to fall into that trap?!
There's left over carry out pizza, what does this mean?!
Well destination is important:
. If it's in the bin you're trouble, to put left over pizza in the bin should be a crime, it may not be a legal crime but in relationship terms it means she's not happy with you and there's going to be a fight
. If it's in the fridge she was thinking about you, but this could just be to make you feel guilty, so if you notice little comments like "I've missed you" or "I never see you" you know she's clocking onto you, maybe even phoned work?
. If it's on the kitchen work top she doesn't care, maybe she's just fed up or maybe she's just had fun with her friends and forgotten about her hard-working drinker.
Now the friends part, who ate the pizza?
. Now if the left-over slices are distinctively larger than usual she has either had a lot of friends round, maybe even some of your own. Now getting to know some of your friends might get them to talk about you, so try and organise a topical silence. Leaving them with the weather, current affairs and possible tasty recipes (done and tested folks). Either all that or Big Bertha was round, in that case check the yoghurts
Flavours
. If it's pepperoni there's nothing to worry about
. But if it's Margarita pizza it was for a group, as that's the easy card, universal flavour. You either missed out on a party (or possible interrogation) or a get-together with big Bertha, so either somewhere you wanted to be at(and witness) or the great escape.
. If it's mushroom or olives (if you've ordered pizza before and had to order this) you should know who was there, get on the phone and find out what's been going on.
... talking to her isn't an option, do you really want to fall into that trap?!
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Lying will save us all
I was in the highstreet the other day and found myself lying about something pointless (and no it wasn't to an old teacher or chatting someone up) and thought why lie? And then got to thinking: is lying such a bad thing?
If we were all brought up to lie, iconic films like Pinocchio would have had to be ignored and to keep kids from watching it on the likes of the Disney channel parents across the country will put blocks on the Kids section. Without Disney corrupting peoples' our minds, the possible evil, brainwashed uprising would be less likely. If they asked about it, we would just lie about it.
Kids wouldn't grow up with the concept of television so gaming in front of the big box would be out the window too. If Kids wanted to discover the depressing news they would have to read it and with books like Biff and Chip not talking about Kerry Katona's latest antics I think we would be alright. So growing up we would have a nation full of optimistic, happy people and without television kids would have to resort to sport; (the social gathering that doesn't require a key board or head set) so we would have a fit, optimistic nation.
Okay channel 5 would lose out on the 40 stone man documentaries but they have Big Brother now :D okay maybe not. But because of these 40 stone people not existing, taxes will go down (no more does the average tax-payer have to pay for 5 blocks of cheese for some guy's lunch) and heart problems will lower too.
Here are some good examples into your daily life routine:
Boss tells you a joke "Do you get it?" "Yeah!" Jumping up on the business ladder but when your at the top, clean that brown nose
"I have to stay at work late Tonight Honey" When you're really at the pub staying socially active (so you don't have that Jack Nicholson shining incident with the Mrs) and paying your bit into the economy.
"Can I get this?" "No I don't have any money" Not letting your child get everything he/she wants, I watched Charlie and the chocolate factory and that Varuka was horrible.
So as you can see, it wouldn't just help the economy, stop child obesity and crush Donald Duck's rebellion, no it could help you out a lot too, so next time someone says "honesty is the best policy" just slap them
If we were all brought up to lie, iconic films like Pinocchio would have had to be ignored and to keep kids from watching it on the likes of the Disney channel parents across the country will put blocks on the Kids section. Without Disney corrupting peoples' our minds, the possible evil, brainwashed uprising would be less likely. If they asked about it, we would just lie about it.
Kids wouldn't grow up with the concept of television so gaming in front of the big box would be out the window too. If Kids wanted to discover the depressing news they would have to read it and with books like Biff and Chip not talking about Kerry Katona's latest antics I think we would be alright. So growing up we would have a nation full of optimistic, happy people and without television kids would have to resort to sport; (the social gathering that doesn't require a key board or head set) so we would have a fit, optimistic nation.
Okay channel 5 would lose out on the 40 stone man documentaries but they have Big Brother now :D okay maybe not. But because of these 40 stone people not existing, taxes will go down (no more does the average tax-payer have to pay for 5 blocks of cheese for some guy's lunch) and heart problems will lower too.
Here are some good examples into your daily life routine:
Boss tells you a joke "Do you get it?" "Yeah!" Jumping up on the business ladder but when your at the top, clean that brown nose
"I have to stay at work late Tonight Honey" When you're really at the pub staying socially active (so you don't have that Jack Nicholson shining incident with the Mrs) and paying your bit into the economy.
"Can I get this?" "No I don't have any money" Not letting your child get everything he/she wants, I watched Charlie and the chocolate factory and that Varuka was horrible.
So as you can see, it wouldn't just help the economy, stop child obesity and crush Donald Duck's rebellion, no it could help you out a lot too, so next time someone says "honesty is the best policy" just slap them
Friday, 9 September 2011
The EU stopping Irn Bru
Was reading the cheery tabloids Today to find the devastating news, the EU are trying stop Irn Bru. Now I know that it has artificial colouring but doesn't every other successful, delicious drink? I know it's very likely contributing to our great country's over weight problem but read my theory:
If you get rid of Irn bru (Barr's major player in their business) Barrs would fail, no longer will we have those 37 pence drinks, instead having to fork out on 85 pence bottles of water (I know I do it too but why? Whatever happened to the tap) soon we would be extra careful due to the massive change of price in drink, we will find ourselves putting away those McCoys and deliberating whether or not we can stretch out for those space raiders and possibly that Freddo (but only because it's a Friday and you're treating yourself). A famine would hit across The Christ's Kingdom because of resorting to breaking the commandment of theft (not the whole of Scotland we'll just copy from our neighbours of the south and loot).
The country will be hit by a major loss in jobs (with the loss of Barrs) taxes will rise for the redundancies and with a Tory government, we might find ourselves in a Laissez Faire situation again.
Exportations would come to a halt (if the Romans couldn't break past Hadrian's wall then there's no chance now, we have Smeaton). The gaming industry would fall (due to Dundee dominating that industry) and from then on everyone is doomed, what will the angry little kid across road do now without killing Nazi Zombies or gang lords, who will they turn to dun dun dun!
If you get rid of Irn bru (Barr's major player in their business) Barrs would fail, no longer will we have those 37 pence drinks, instead having to fork out on 85 pence bottles of water (I know I do it too but why? Whatever happened to the tap) soon we would be extra careful due to the massive change of price in drink, we will find ourselves putting away those McCoys and deliberating whether or not we can stretch out for those space raiders and possibly that Freddo (but only because it's a Friday and you're treating yourself). A famine would hit across The Christ's Kingdom because of resorting to breaking the commandment of theft (not the whole of Scotland we'll just copy from our neighbours of the south and loot).
The country will be hit by a major loss in jobs (with the loss of Barrs) taxes will rise for the redundancies and with a Tory government, we might find ourselves in a Laissez Faire situation again.
Exportations would come to a halt (if the Romans couldn't break past Hadrian's wall then there's no chance now, we have Smeaton). The gaming industry would fall (due to Dundee dominating that industry) and from then on everyone is doomed, what will the angry little kid across road do now without killing Nazi Zombies or gang lords, who will they turn to dun dun dun!
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Opening the packed lunch to find the ...Tupperware of soft cheese
Okay you're in a social environment and to save money you asked the mother or partner to prepare you something for lunch:
You open the bag to find the Tupperware of soft cheese WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! You should worry, this was a last ditch effort. probably done in the early hours of the morning. Not only that but with with the small block of soft cheese there is so much that could be done with it. But you're at the dinner table and you have no crackers, not even two slices of freshly baked bread, feeling neglected she's terrorised man's one weakness, food. You're in trouble mate.
sandwiches with the crusts STILL ON: Now the sandwiches are of good stature but the crusts are still on this is to tell you to keep fit. Everyone knows (other than cheese filled pizza crusts) that crusts are just a chore. If you find crusts on the grated cheese sandwich this either a damn right insult or a sign to get your trainers on and sort the alarm clock for the 5 a.m run. This is not a false alarm, because everyone knows to grate cheese requires you to wash the extremely difficult grater, to cut the crusts is a piece of cake (that you should avoid).
pre-made sandwiches: Your partner is cheating on you, sorry but they are. They didn't listen to the reason why you're ordering them to prepare you something the night before probably because they're fantasising about Julio or Audrey from over the fence. They rushed to the 24 hour supermarket to get you some sandwich that you don't even like and didn't even read the ingredients (it has coleslaw in it people, I know, I know) And if it's your mum neglecting the sandwich rules it's a different story, sorry but you're about to have a little brother or sister.
You open the bag to find the Tupperware of soft cheese WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! You should worry, this was a last ditch effort. probably done in the early hours of the morning. Not only that but with with the small block of soft cheese there is so much that could be done with it. But you're at the dinner table and you have no crackers, not even two slices of freshly baked bread, feeling neglected she's terrorised man's one weakness, food. You're in trouble mate.
sandwiches with the crusts STILL ON: Now the sandwiches are of good stature but the crusts are still on this is to tell you to keep fit. Everyone knows (other than cheese filled pizza crusts) that crusts are just a chore. If you find crusts on the grated cheese sandwich this either a damn right insult or a sign to get your trainers on and sort the alarm clock for the 5 a.m run. This is not a false alarm, because everyone knows to grate cheese requires you to wash the extremely difficult grater, to cut the crusts is a piece of cake (that you should avoid).
pre-made sandwiches: Your partner is cheating on you, sorry but they are. They didn't listen to the reason why you're ordering them to prepare you something the night before probably because they're fantasising about Julio or Audrey from over the fence. They rushed to the 24 hour supermarket to get you some sandwich that you don't even like and didn't even read the ingredients (it has coleslaw in it people, I know, I know) And if it's your mum neglecting the sandwich rules it's a different story, sorry but you're about to have a little brother or sister.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
guacamole being the most vital part to dinner etiquette
There comes a time in every friendship when a guy has to ask ... do you like guacamole?
When the important question was asked my friends thought I was just being wide. Thinking more on the question I had to ask my dining guest, there does come a time in every friendship when you ask a friend do you like guacamole? When you know someone for a considerate amount of time you eventually have them round for dinner, after some dinners you go out your British food comfort zone & make something exotic that requires guacamole, that leads you to the question, that ever so special moment: do you like guacamole? ...
Then I got to thinking if guacamole means a comfortable friendship then what does the likes of salsa mean?:
Salsa- Well thinking about the magic in a tub, side dish (maybe possible dish) Salsa is pretty much a chat up line, everyone likes it. So when you're asked the important question (probably with the person asking opposite you raising one eye brow up) "do you like salsa?" you know the story baby.
Cole slaw- The pale "healthy" (healthy?! After trying it I thought of doing all kinds of crazy stuff ... it was a bad time for me) when this is shown to you, probably with the person asking with a shaky, petrified quiver "do you like cole slaw?" just get out of there. When distributed this is basically the equivalent to "it's not you, it's me" save yourself the embarrassment and just go.
When the important question was asked my friends thought I was just being wide. Thinking more on the question I had to ask my dining guest, there does come a time in every friendship when you ask a friend do you like guacamole? When you know someone for a considerate amount of time you eventually have them round for dinner, after some dinners you go out your British food comfort zone & make something exotic that requires guacamole, that leads you to the question, that ever so special moment: do you like guacamole? ...
Then I got to thinking if guacamole means a comfortable friendship then what does the likes of salsa mean?:
Salsa- Well thinking about the magic in a tub, side dish (maybe possible dish) Salsa is pretty much a chat up line, everyone likes it. So when you're asked the important question (probably with the person asking opposite you raising one eye brow up) "do you like salsa?" you know the story baby.
Cole slaw- The pale "healthy" (healthy?! After trying it I thought of doing all kinds of crazy stuff ... it was a bad time for me) when this is shown to you, probably with the person asking with a shaky, petrified quiver "do you like cole slaw?" just get out of there. When distributed this is basically the equivalent to "it's not you, it's me" save yourself the embarrassment and just go.
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